The Cycle of Violence
HOW DOES IT PROGRESS?
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To isolate his victim and curb her freedom, the abuser uses ongoing strategies to gradually build a trap somewhat like a spider’s web. He deliberately builds on the cycle of violence through repetition, creating a situation from which the woman will find it increasingly hard to escape.
The cycle of violence can be divided into four phases. The actions and phases may coincide with each other, but the phases are there at one point or another. They are triggered and initiated by the abuser to isolate and subjugate the victim.
Phase 1: Tense atmosphere
At the outset of the relationship, everything is fine – it’s the honeymoon. Then, bit by bit, tension begins to be felt in the household. He makes different excuses: she doesn’t do things the way he likes them, why didn’t she organize the closet when they came back from vacation? She doesn’t behave the way he wants her to, why does she so enjoy the company of others and not his? These excuses are triggers he uses to create a tense atmosphere, but they are not the cause of the violence.
Tension manifests itself in different ways: in long silences she finds unbearable; long absences that worry her; threats, an aggressive tone of voice, abrupt gestures. She knows that this tension almost always leads to an outburst and she’s the one who will pay for it.
She feels this growing threat and tries to ease the atmosphere by any and all means. She heeds his slightest gesture and word so as not to anger him, she seeks to please, she hushes the children. She tries to protect herself from threats of violence, whether explicit (threats to hit her or leave her, fits of rage, etc.) or implicit (attitudes, looks, silences, physical distance, signs of disapproval, etc.). She adjusts to and caters to his moods and needs. She is constantly afraid and seeks to avoid the worst.
Phase 2: Aggression
The violent act happens. It could be verbal, psychological, physical, economic or sexual. The man may convey the impression that he has lost all control, but that’s not true. Actually, he is venting his violence with the deliberate intent of maintaining control over his partner. When this happens, the woman feels disrespected, helpless, and emotionally devastated. She might also react and defend herself to stop the attack and regain a measure of control over the situation.
Phase 3: Justification
Immediately afterward, the abuser will try to justify his behaviour. He minimizes the nature and seriousness of the assault. He blames alcohol or drugs or too much medication, problems at work, old physical or sexual traumas from childhood, maternal rejection, foster home issues, health problems such as depression or bodily aches and pains. He claims he can’t control his violence. He casts the blame back on the spouse, saying that she’s exaggerating, that she doesn’t understand, that she doesn’t love him enough, that she is crazy or that she shouldn’t have provoked him. And then he quickly resumes normal life as if nothing had happened.
Faced with all these justifications, and because of the negative messaging she has previously received, the woman puts aside her own anger. She even begins to see herself as partially responsible for her spouse’s violent behaviour. She starts to believe that by changing her own attitudes and behaviours, the violence will stop.
Phase 4: Reconciliation
The man begins to express his remorse. He wants to make it up to her. He humbly begs forgiveness, asks for her help, pleads to start over again from the beginning. He will buy her gifts and become very loving. He compliments her and makes a string of promises. This is where the spouse rediscovers the man she once knew – calm and pleasant. He promises that he will never be violent again if she will only do as she’s told. This apparent remorse builds up and maintains the woman’s tolerance for violence.
Source: www.maisons-femmes.qc.ca